It has taken me the entire summer to get to writing this post, mostly because I have been trying to get my new mom feet under me!But without further ado I would like to introduce you to our son, Ezra Wenxiang! This post will be written from my perspective and I will do my best to keep Ezra’s feelings in mind in what I share.

Our flight to China and first few days flowed along as planned. We got to tour Tiananmen Square, the Forbidden City, a jade market, and a small section of the Great Wall all in one day. They were all incredible, but of course the missing member of our family loomed large in our minds throughout our first two days in China. We traveled to Ezra’s province on Sunday and didn’t meet him till Monday, as is customary for China adoption. Our guide in Ezra’s province picked us up on Sunday evening and as we drove he advised me “Robyn, don’t nervous. We young, anything is possible.” He said that at 3 years old, Ezra was “big baby” and so would be easier to handle than an older child. Michael also cautioned us to make sure that we kept our new son warm enough–proper temperature in children is thought extremely important to good health. Interestingly enough, I wasn’t worried or stressed out the night before we met Ezra. I slept well and got up and proceeded as usual.

I’ve heard stories about families waiting all day long until the afternoon to be united with their child, but thankfully for us, our appointment at the civil affairs building was at 9AM. Our van took us there early so we wouldn’t make Ezra and the accompanying orphanage staff wait longer than was necessary. We brought a small supply of snacks and toys, and traveled on the elevator to the hot upper floor where Ezra would be brought.

We waited in a conference room with a long table, a few boxes stacked in one corner, a random coat rack in another, and windows at the far end overlooking the busy street below.

And suddenly a couple people arrived saying “Wen Xiang, Wen Xiang,” and leading a small boy with a shaved head into the room. I would have known him anywhere, although he was a bit taller than I had expected. For just a moment I felt frozen to my chair, unsure if my being in Ezra’s space so soon would cause him alarm. Jerry filmed the moment on his cell phone, and I went to our boy as the orphanage director pulled out a small album we had had mailed and pointed in it to me. To mama. And Ezra and I looked at each other and smiled. And he grabbed my hand and examined my Fitbit. We pulled a small stuffed duck out of our backpack and gave it to Ezra. He smiled. It was all surreal. I had expected tears or screaming or something, but it didn’t happen just then. He was so brave. He just accepted that we were of course “Mama and Baba.”

We had to stay in that room for what seemed like ages as we went over paperwork, asked questions, and took a few photos. We were told that we couldn’t have any contact info for Ezra’s foster grandparents, that he was potty trained, and that he needed to be told to sleep at night or he would play endlessly. The room quickly became boring for Ezra and so he took the plastic barrel of monkeys we brought him and attempted to throw it into the top box stacked in the corner of the room. He missed and hit Jerry just below his eyebrow, causing it to bleed. Ezra also hung like a little monkey from the coat rack and attempted to snatch at whatever he could reach on the table. He was stronger than I expected too. Once his little hands clung on to something, they had to be basically pried off again to remove them. And he loved to throw everything.

When Ezra needed to go to the restroom, our guide, Michael, said that I shouldn’t take him into the ladies room, so Jerry got a quick introduction to the squatty potty. It took Jerry and Michael together helping Ezra to get the restroom trip accomplished. We fed him some goldfish crackers to distract him, which helped for a few minutes. However, Ezra didn’t like that we were attempting to contain him in the conference room, so he quickly opened the door and went running down the hall where he burst into the office of a man at a desk. I followed quickly behind and escorted him out, noticing another solemn little boy meeting a white woman at a room a few doors down. The other boy looked so calm. He didn’t run away down the hall.

After what seemed like a very long, stressful, hot, and airless time, it was time to leave. We took the elevator down to the ground floor. The orphanage director slipped away without saying goodbye to Ezra. When he realized she had disappeared he began to cry and struggle. It was awful. Of course Ezra didn’t want to go with us, he didn’t even know us. He couldn’t talk to us, and we couldn’t talk to him. But he bravely road on baba’s lap on the way back to the hotel anyway. We believe that his foster families must have instilled a desire for relationships in him, because he never tried to reject either of us or shut us out. The photos in this post are just unedited iPhone pictures that I snapped along the way in China–but it seems appropriate because our family day experience was so raw altogether.

Ezra was fascinated by the big western bathtub in our hotel room, and very quickly after we arrived back he stripped down and hopped in! The innocence and trust of children amaze me as I cannot imagine doing something like that in front of a complete stranger.

We had lunch at the noodle restaurant in our hotel. Michael accompanied us. Ezra was hungry and emotionally exhausted and did not appreciate being made to hold still. He tried to run away from the table and threw various objects on the floor in protest. Jerry and I were horrified and did our best to distract and corral him, but with little success. Eventually we went back to our room with neither of us having eaten much, although we did get some food into Ezra.

Michael asked if we wanted him to stay with us longer to help with the transition. I wanted very much to say yes, because I wasn’t sure what on earth we would do for hours that afternoon with this traumatized little human, but as we were his parents, it seemed like a cop out to ask our guide to stay and help us…so we didn’t. To be completely transparent though, both Jerry and I felt like we might be sick. Eventually poor Ezra did have a melt down when he realized he couldn’t leave our hotel room. After that he was so exhausted he fell asleep. I have a theory about his behavior in China now that he needed to keep moving and doing things so he wouldn’t have to be still and process what was happening. Throughout our stay in China he couldn’t handle waiting of any kind or being still except in the car or while sleeping. What was especially hard was that his grief didn’t show up like I expected. Instead of crying, withdrawing, and hiding, Ezra threw everything he could get his hands on, hit and fought and ran away. I didn’t expect him to love us when he didn’t know us, but the violence shook us and took us by surprise. I had moments when I thought we had adopted a psychopath.

I had prayed endlessly that I might have the feelings for Ezra that I would have had if I had given birth to him–those legendary feelings that new moms are said to have for their infants when they just see them for the first time. I was so sure God would grant me that that I never really considered the alternative overly much.

Well God didn’t give me those feelings. Instead I felt like an ill-equipped baby sitter who hadn’t fully considered how important “talking it out” was to her. I realized too just how spoiled I was when I worried that we would never able to go to a restaurant again (Ezra couldn’t handle the waiting while we were in China), I would never be able to shop again (we visited a pearl market in Guangzhou and Jerry had to ride the escalator with him 28 times to keep him from tearing the jewelry shop apart), and we would never be able to watch a movie as a family (Ezra couldn’t focus as all or be quiet to save his life. I worried about being able to go to church, and whether he would burn our house down and kill our pets, and all kinds of crazy things. My feelings were on such a roller coaster that I had a very hard time bonding with Ezra at the beginning. Jerry was more rational and just did the right thing, but my crazy fears felt almost immobilizing.

Thank God I knew enough to keep walking forward, to keep taking the next step we needed to take. We got a VPN And were able to talk to some good friends at home and that was so helpful. China is 12 time zones away from the US though, so we could only connect first thing in the morning or last thing before bed. But it was enough. It made me feel sane to know that many new moms have crazy feelings.

While all three of us had a very difficult time in China, we did see glimmers of Ezra’s true personality that gave us hope. He likes to be active and play outside, has a good sense of fun, and said his first English word on our first day together. It was “duck” in case you wondered. Because of the stuffed toy. In Guangzhou we got to be around more adoptive families, and that gave us a sense of camaraderie and community even though all of us were busy with our new children. Ezra really enjoyed the Safari Park visit we made in Guangzhou as well. He rode in the stroller and enjoyed the animals like all the other kids we saw.  Somehow we made it home in spite of the endless flight and the chasing baggage and the emotions and customs and everything. And Ezra is our son. And now we know that it’s true what other adoptive families say. They say “just survive China” and “you can’t know your child in country.” It’s all true. I would also add that you shouldn’t trust your own judgements or emotions when you’re just home and jet lagged either! Oy. That was hellish for me.

We know now that Ezra is not a psychopath or a juvenile delinquent, and that grief looks different on different people. Ezra is smart and funny and charming and amazingly able to communicate despite his beginners English. He is strong willed and active and busy. He loves multiples of anything and playing peekaboo and being rocked to sleep. He does so well with going on outings and he acts quite well-mannered at restaurants. In short he is a beautiful little boy and we’re so blessed.

It has been three months now since our family day. Ezra is growing so much and opening up more and more. He understands so much English and adds new words to his vocabulary almost daily. We play and laugh and sing and dance and enjoy each other. He also brings out the impatient and controlling side of me that I didn’t want to recognize. Being his mama is such a HUGE learning experience and such a joy as well. I need God more than ever as I seek to see situations from the perspective of this little boy who has lost so much and gone through so much. In spite of his losses, he still shows such great joy and desire to please his mama. Ezra is so much more than I could have asked for in a son, and I am glad to say that my loving feelings for him and  our attachment are growing daily.

My Dear Wen Xiang,

At this time you’re probably fast asleep in China, never dreaming that your mommy and daddy are across the world and thinking of you. But they are. And one day soon both China and the US will agree that we’ve done enough and we can finally go get our boy. We cannot wait to meet you! We try to imagine it, but we can’t really know how it will be yet. It will probably feel terrifying to you when you come away with us for the first time. I’m sorry to cause you more pain, but I hope that eventually you will understand. We would ask you for your consent if you weren’t just 3 years old. As it is, the grown ups have to make a choice about your future on your behalf.

We are so grateful to be given the honor of parenting you. Just the thought of you makes us so happy. When our letter of acceptance came from China earlier this week, the enormity of what China was giving us began to sink in. China is giving us the most precious and valuable gift that exists!

They’re giving us you!

We’re beginning to understand that all the endless processes we have to go through to get you home pale in comparison to the great treasure that exists in each human being. That exists in you.

You are so very loved and wanted. We know you are just a little boy and don’t expect you to live up to some kind of child fantasy we have. Our greatest hope is to learn to parent you as you deserve. It will be challenging  for all of us as we learn to be a family, but we know you are worth it. You have been through far too much pain for such a small boy, but you are strong and you have a place in this world. We can’t wait for you to meet all the people here just waiting to love you.

Mommy prays for you every day. Daddy thinks of fun toys and games to share with you. We dream you are here and in the little room we’re getting ready for you. We imagine your small feet clattering through the house and your antics terrifying the cats and your fingerprints all over the clean windows. We wonder what you will like to eat and if you’ll be musical or athletic or artistic. I want you to know that whatever you are, we’re committed to being your parents and to loving you forever.

China sent us the letter of acceptance this week and we signed immediately without hesitation. Some events that we never would have wished for you have led you to this point, but we know that God can work all things together for good. We believe He will do that for you, Wen Xiang.

There is so much more to say, but we’re praying for years together to do the telling.

We’ll see you soon.

Love always, Mommy and Daddy

We’ve been waiting for China to issue us our letter of acceptance (LOA) since our paperwork was logged in on January 30. LOA waits can be very long, but lately many people have had their letters issued in just around a month’s time, so when we sent our paperwork off, we had high hopes of a quick turnaround…but so far we seem to be stuck in review with no end in sight. We had been holding on to hope that we would travel to get our boy in May (first we hoped for March or April, then settled on May…) but now it seems we might have to push travel to China off till June.

Realistically this is going super fast for an international adoption (we only officially started in June of 2017), but since we first saw this face in July of 2017, the waiting seems unbearably long to us. We’re reminded often that you have to hold your timeline plans with an open hand, because often they’ll slip from your grasp and there isn’t a thing you can do about it.

Maine has been gradually gaining daylight hours since December, and I’ve been so thankful to be able to continue walking outside. It’s so therapeutic to be in nature and have time to pray. Sometimes my desk job feels suffocating. It’s weird how your body can need to tire itself so your brain can have a little peace…

I found this little round bit of jade at a thrift store some months back, and I’m pretty confident it’s Chinese (my sister in law says it looks very Asian)! I put it on often just to have something tangible I can hold while our boy is thousands of miles away. Even though it has no real connection to him, it feels like a bit of his culture I can cling to to remind me of him. We’re feeling weary of the seemingly endless process right now, but one day we will wake up, and it will be the day we’ve been waiting for for so long. One day we’ll wake up and it will be the day we meet our son for real, for the first time.For now I’ve made up a little album of photos to send him in China (also a little stuffed animal to accompany it). It has hand written explanations from me and Chinese translations from my kind sister in law (thank you Xin!). I hope this will help our little one be able to grasp the idea that mommy and daddy are coming, and that they absolutely cannot wait to be his parents.

This little one’s photos and the brief amount of information provided (“likes musical toys”, “extroverted and active”) filled our thoughts for the two weeks we pored over and prayed over his file. China no longer has a healthy baby program available for foreign adoptions. That means that all children adopted from China to other countries come with some level of special need–from very small medical needs that have already been resolved, to needs that will require life-long care. From what has been said on paper about this little guy, his needs shouldn’t be overly complex. But there are just no guarantees in life. I imagined all kinds of worst case scenarios even as my heart ached to ask for this boy.

Jerry needed a little longer to process, especially in light of the failed match we had so recently gone through. It’s usually like that with us. He’s more cautious and calculated about decision making, where I’m more prone to just “know when I know.”

Finally we said the all important word. Yes! Yes, we would love the great honor of parenting this precious boy. On our 8th anniversary China gave us prior approval to proceed with our adoption. That means that as long as our official information matched the preliminary info provided, we should be accepted as his mom and dad! There are still so many unknowns, but as we’ve been reminded, love is risk. And what better risk is there really? We were over the moon with the news that we had been approved.

It’s hard to go on with your routine when you know such a big, important change is coming–but of course we did anyway. When you’re an expectant adoptive parent, no one can see any physical changes happening, so they don’t usually know to comment on your good news. Life just continues in spite of the daily dreams of your baby, somewhere far away. Work went on and the summer wound down. We went on a few cheap dates and people joked that we “better do that now” while we don’t need a babysitter.

All throughout 2017 I took walks and prayed, and took walks and prayed. Our homestudy was finished at the end of September, and we sent out our I800A form to the immigration people in Texas. I used an outdated version of the form at first and spent two weeks waiting only to have it returned to me with a request to use the newer version. I went for a very hard, long walk that night–trying to pray, but not succeeding very well. The correct version was done and resent. My birth certificate was lost for several weeks in it’s journey to be certified, only to finally appear out of nowhere after several calls to the office concerned. We waited all through November and December for a reply as we paper-chased and notarized, and arranged a little boy’s bedroom.

We got finger printed in Portland, filled out grant applications, celebrated Thanksgiving, and had a surprise birthday party for Jerry when he finally turned 30 and became old enough to adopt from China! It was just a tiny bit bittersweet because our goal had been to send all our paperwork (called a dossier) to China on his birthday–but immigration took a lot longer than expected, so this didn’t happen. Instead we spent several more weeks waiting for I800A approval to come.

We got our immigration approval on the day after Christmas. With it in the mail was a letter confirming that we would be receiving a $5000 grant! A few days later, my mom and I  braved the below zero temperatures and took a trip to Augusta (the state capital) to get all our papers state certified. Then off  they went to our agency. From there they took a trip to Washington for final approvals.

And then there’s today. Today our dossier (paperwork, remember?) goes to China! After weeks of prayers and preparation, it’s finally going! While this isn’t the day we had planned for, God has really picked a special date for this event. One year ago on this day, January 26, a doctor told Jerry and I that we would need a miracle to become parents. We felt crushed. But this day has been redeemed. Now this is the day that our dossier has gone to China. This is the day that we get to watch this unexpected miracle progress right before our very eyes.

It has been nearly a year since we first knew we would adopt. It’s been kind of a roller coaster ride of a year, but I believe now we’re closer than ever before to becoming parents.

Jerry and I knew we wanted to have children since before we got married, but last year we reached a kind of cross roads where the usual route to parenthood closed off in front of us. I’d already journeyed through several years of disappointment and watching friends announce pregnancy after pregnancy–so while the official “no” we got from the doctor was very painful, I was almost resigned to the news within a very short time of hearing it. The next day was Friday, and it found me desperately googling adoption agencies. Without even asking Jerry (though I do recommend getting your spouse on board!) I sent off a query to the first agency that really caught my attention. Somewhat to my alarm, one of their agents left me a voicemail later that same day.

Friday night I brought up adoption to Jerry. He wasn’t in the same place with processing our infertility as I was, so his first response was that he needed some time before we jumped into any big decisions like adoption. I did my best to realize the wisdom in this, and we tried to go on with our weekend as close to normal as possible.

On Saturday Jerry took the trash to the dump. While he was there he picked up a paper on the ground, assuming it was a bit of our trash that had gotten free. He looked at what the paper was. An adoption application. He quickly called me.

“Did you have an adoption application in the car with you?” he asked when I picked up.

“What? No. Why?” I said.

“I just found one on the ground here and I thought it must have fallen out of our car…”

We both felt that prickling feeling on the back of our necks as we contemplated the chances of finding an application like that here in our small town.

When Jerry got home he said, “I’m not usually one to see signs, but I’m pretty sure that that was one…”

Sunday we sat in church and Pastor turned to Galations and read of God redeeming them that were under the law “that we might receive the adoption of sons.” We blinked at each other, confident that God was bringing up adoption to us again.

The next week, with Jerry’s blessing, I had a long conversation with the adoption agency rep that had left me the message before. We discussed the types of adoption the agency provided and the pros and cons of each. My heart dropped a bit at the costs, but I went through it all with Jerry again that night anyway. Our hearts were drawn pretty quickly to China as the place where we would find our child. We have Chinese family living nearby, and hoped it might make it easier on a child to have some close family they could go to with questions about their heritage. China it was.

Our agency told us that China needed both of us to be 30 years of age before we could adopt a child. Jerry was only 29 at the time. We had to wait till six months from his 30th birthday to apply to the China program. I spent the months we had to wait praying, soul searching, and reading anything I could about China, adoption, and children with special needs. On June 4th we submitted our official application with the agency we talked to back in February. I researched other agencies and just never felt right about leaving that first one I found through google.

China has online lists of “waiting children” whose information is available to view at any time in the adoption process. We looked over a few files as waited, and felt very drawn to a 7 year old boy in particular. He was older than we had originally thought to adopt, but something about him pulled on our hearts. Over weeks and many emails, we tried to get more information from his orphanage, but the director there was uncooperative. In July, just when we thought we would step out in faith and ask to adopt him anyway, the door slammed shut in our faces and his file was pulled from our agency. Both Jerry and I felt heartbroken, but I (again without asking Jerry) quickly asked for the file of another child on the waiting child list. It might sound heartless not to spend some time grieving the loss of the other boy, but with so many orphaned children out waiting in the world, I had to keep marching forward. And it’s such a good thing I did. The next file contained the information for the beautiful little 2.5 year old boy that will–God willing–become our son this year.