Parenting

Baby girl on the way

RobynLeave a comment

“Do you want to know what you’re having?” Kristen, the ultrasound tech, asked me. Jerry, Ezra, and I sat in a dark room in the radiology department and looked at the black and white image of the little baby I’m carrying.

“Yes!” I answered immediately. I couldn’t handle not finding out when I knew the option was available. Everyone seemed to be predicting it would be a boy. A little brother for Ezra. That would be best, practically speaking. We only have two bedrooms and he could use hand me downs from his brother, etc. Jerry and I tried not to hope too much for a girl when any baby at all was such a surprise blessing. It almost felt ungrateful to hope for a daughter when we were being given such a gift as this pregnancy.

“It’s a girl!” said Kristen a short time later. So overwhelming. She handed me a tissue and murmured something about enjoying “happy tears.”

That was my daughter on the screen.

We went out for lunch to celebrate on that cold, snowy day. Afterwards I went into a little thrift shop and had way more fun buying a bag full of tiny pink items than the $9 they cost.

So all through this cold January I’ve been dreaming in pink and feeling my little one stirring around. It has been an odd mix of euphoria and terror. It seems like I recall and hear every single story of a stillbirth or miscarriage or freak pregnancy happening that there is. Before my ultrasound I was nervous because I heard two stories of mothers with the extremely rare circumstance of babies developing without kidneys. I breathed a sigh of relief when Kristen located babies kidneys and remarked on her beautiful heart. Every time I feel baby girl moving I pray for her wellbeing and protection. I’m so much more aware of how little control I have than I would have been had this pregnancy happened 10 years ago when I was a newlywed. Taking things a day at a time is helpful. Every time I take my prenatals, go to a doctor’s appointment, or progress to a new week in my pregnancy, I’m thankful.

And baby girl names and clothes are pretty much the most fun hobby ever.

I recently finished the Anne of Green Gables series for the umpteenth time. In the final book there is a line about a character saying that the person involved “never got excited over anything, and so missed a tremendous amount of trouble and delight in her journey through life.”

I think there’s a lot of wisdom in that. Sometimes I think I get borderline preachy when I blog so I won’t go on, but in a way at 32 I feel so far removed from who I was when I used to read Anne of Green Gables at 15 that I can’t quite believe we’re the same person. A lot of the changes have been for the better, but I do miss looking at the world unsuspectingly and assuming the best would happen. And being spontaneous. Since little kids do better with routine and warning usually, that goal might have to go away for awhile.

Being pregnant is so different from adopting and so much the same. The tears came in the same way on the day when I knew Ezra would be our son. The crazy fears and prayers for his welfare were the same. But the waiting is so much easier in pregnancy because I know that it’s best for baby girl to be born when she’s ready. I get to keep her close and not wonder if she’s being treated kindly or not. And since I’ve had an easy pregnancy as far as symptoms go, I think adoption was way more difficult so far.

Here’s to the end of January’s cold gloominess and the rosy hopes of springtime!

Parenting

A new year and a new blessing

RobynLeave a comment

Happy 2019! I always send Christmas cards, and for the last few years I have written Christmas letters with an overview of our year, but this time?

Nope. This time around I was a mom.

Jerry, Ezra, and our nephew have birthdays in December, and that along with the usual holidays totally ruined my visions of cards and letters. I’ve always wanted to be more minimalist though. So maybe this is a good place to start? Thinking on it.

Did you read Ezra’s shirt? Oh my goodness, if you didn’t, please do.

Are you wondering if we are adopting again? Some people assumed that’s what it meant. Honestly we really planned to adopt again. But no, this time things are happening the old-fashioned way.

The day after my birthday in October I was feeling like gagging around coffee, so I took a pregnancy test. Then I went into the bedroom to finish putting away the laundry because I pretty much had zero hopes for a pregnancy. I thought “I feel like it’s negative…” and then immediately I corrected my own thought and told myself “it doesn’t matter what you feel like, it matters what’s true.” I heard a psychologist on the radio talking about how you have to tell yourself the truth and so I have been working on that…but that’s a rabbit trail.

After the allotted processing time, I walked back into the bathroom and glanced at the cheap test on the counter. It had two lines.

I had never seen one with two lines. For a beat I just stared. Then I began wondering how someone could get a false positive. The doctor said this would likely never happen. We waited for Ezra for almost 8 years…

I tried to pray and ask for guidance and if it was true, but I mostly just started half sentences that trailed off into oblivion. I didn’t know what else to do, Jerry was at work and I wasn’t telling him over the phone, so I took Ezra for a walk. When I got home I scheduled a doctor’s appointment. Thankfully we live in a small town and I worked for the hospital, so the woman at the OB office got me an appointment only a few days away.

When Jerry got home I didn’t have a Pinterest worthy way to tell him the news because I never expected to need one. He was going around putting his things away after work and teasing Ezra and not really noticing my odd expression, so finally I just said, ” I need you to focus for a minute.”

He said, “On what?”

“Come with me.”

I lead him into the bathroom and pointed at the test still sitting out on the counter. He stared for a moment and said something like “wait…” I gestured at the instructions on how to read the result.

Jerry just gave an odd laugh and we both stared at each other. It definitely wasn’t the weeping  movie moment I had imagine once if a pregnancy ever happened for us.

At my appointment a few days later they did an ultrasound and confirmed that I hadn’t gotten a false positive. There really was a baby.

That Saturday we told my family at an early Thanksgiving dinner. My sister in law’s parents were visiting from China and my mom wanted to do American Thanksgiving for them and us since we went to Jerry’s parent’s this year. It gave me the perfect opportunity to tell my parents and siblings all at once. Needless to say there was much rejoicing. Xin’s dad, who doesn’t speak English, told her to tell me that “Ezra brought the blessing” of my pregnancy. Such a sweet comment. I am telling you so I can remember and reflect.

Over the next few weeks we told closer family and friends, and then took these pictures once I hit 14 weeks along to announce the news on social media. I still can’t believe it really. Tomorrow we find out if the baby is a boy or a girl and it still hasn’t completely sunk in! I’m overwhelmed.

Other people sharing the joy has been wonderful, but a few people have said things along the lines of ” I knew it,” or “this happens after people adopt all the time.” While I have heard those stories as well, I have also read of and spoken to numerous people who did not have biological children after adopting. I have multiple friends that are going through infertility and comments like that frustrate me because getting pregnant is never a given. Jerry and I are so happy to be expecting but I have cried at enough pregnancy announcements to know that one person’s joy can trigger another person’s sorrow. So please, if that is you, I have no words of wisdom for you, but I can tell you that I know how you feel. Our unborn baby is a gift from God and we didn’t do anything to deserve him or her. God creates all babies and you are not undeserving or unworthy of this blessing. I don’t know God’s plan, but I do know that He loves you just as much as He does me.

Being pregnant also brings up a lot of thoughts of Ezra’s birth mother and what she must have been thinking and feeling when she was at this stage in her pregnancy. It makes me look at him and think that his birth mother should be seeing the beautiful, intelligent little boy that is my son. In a perfect world, mama’s would always raise their babies. I love Ezra more than ever, but pregnancy reminds me that adoption comes out of brokenness, as they say. We are so blessed to have our son, but I wish he didn’t have hard issues to face. Our bio baby will be blessed to  not wonder so much about his or her origins. I wish I could offer that to Ezra as well.

Jerry made this video of our adoption journey, and if I had done a Christmas card this year, this would sum it up. I thought the music was odd, but Jerry pointed out that it’s the soundtrack to Superman. Appropriate for our brave boy.

Adoption · Parenting

The mom dream

RobynLeave a comment

Probably everyone living has expectations for how things will play out in life.  I know I had all kinds of them, especially before I graduated from high school. Honestly I think I read too many books and wanted to live in a story rather than a real life. At one point I thought I would globe trot frequently and probably fall in love abroad and have a closet full of designer clothes and some books published and probably do a lot of other fabulous things.

What actually happened was that I met Jerry right off the bat when I started my second year of college at a new school. We became friends quickly, began dating the next semester, and got married when he was 21 and I was 22. We were super broke but I still cranked out my first novel pretty quickly because my ambitions didn’t wane with matrimony. Once it was finished it was rejected by several book agents until I decided it needed more editing and began work on a new writing project…and then life happened and my writing slowed.

We also had the more everyday dreams of a home and a family. Tons of friends had babies and families while I wondered when motherhood would come to me. Cue lots of frustration that even my so-called “normal” dreams didn’t play out like I thought they would. And then we adopted this wonderful boy and became parents!

Ezra was literally a dream come true for me. I expected a sense of euphoria and waves of thankfulness (epecially after all the infertility and waiting!), instead I felt terror, doubt, and a huge weight of responsibility.

And I have learned more about my flaws in the last 5 months that I have been with Ezra than I think I did in all my 32 years before that. Wasn’t expecting such a wake up call there. Yikes.

Being a mom is hard. And I have a super supportive and involved husband, I can’t imagine how single moms do it at all. Ezra is strong-willed, intelligent, and adventurous. All of those things are likely to make him a good man one day, but right now they translate into behaviors that cause my blood pressure to rise…sometimes I wonder how someone can become an angry mom in only five months–especially when one has such an overall great kid. The mom guilt is also a real thing, and it can be suffocating.

It’s weirdly easier to open myself up on here, knowing anyone could read this, than it is to tell people in person that I sometimes feel so frustrated with myself and my parenting ability and the monotony of life. I know anyone could read this and that’s fine with me. But at least I can order my thoughts here instead of giving a fragment here and there that misses the soul of what I hope to say.

On Sunday I got to sit in church and listen while Jerry took Ezra to junior church. Another thing I have struggled with since becoming a mom is not being able to catch my own thoughts. I’m a little bit of an introvert and there is also a certain lack of alone time in parenting I’ve discovered…so anyway I got some quiet contemplation and pastor brought up that everything we go through here on earth is to prepare us for eternity. I had a bit of a revelation from God in realizing that all the seemingly pointless little things that rub me the wrong way (don’t hit the cat, don’t play with the light switches, don’t throw that, don’t play with the toilet, etc) could actually be God further working. Working to rid me of the excess anger and impatience…

And that is a huge relief. Because a lot of day to day life is mundane. My life isn’t glamorous or adventurous like I thought it would be. I don’t get to travel much during this time, I still don’t have any books published, and there’s nary a designer article of clothing in sight. And I also tend toward being an angry mom. But if all this little stuff can be kept in perspective as being used to work out my selfishness and unkindness, then it is worth it. Ezra deserves a good mom, and by God’s grace I hope he will have one.

“So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.” 1 Corinthians 31:10

Adoption

Ezra and China

RobynLeave a comment

It has taken me the entire summer to get to writing this post, mostly because I have been trying to get my new mom feet under me!But without further ado I would like to introduce you to our son, Ezra Wenxiang! This post will be written from my perspective and I will do my best to keep Ezra’s feelings in mind in what I share.

Our flight to China and first few days flowed along as planned. We got to tour Tiananmen Square, the Forbidden City, a jade market, and a small section of the Great Wall all in one day. They were all incredible, but of course the missing member of our family loomed large in our minds throughout our first two days in China. We traveled to Ezra’s province on Sunday and didn’t meet him till Monday, as is customary for China adoption. Our guide in Ezra’s province picked us up on Sunday evening and as we drove he advised me “Robyn, don’t nervous. We young, anything is possible.” He said that at 3 years old, Ezra was “big baby” and so would be easier to handle than an older child. Michael also cautioned us to make sure that we kept our new son warm enough–proper temperature in children is thought extremely important to good health. Interestingly enough, I wasn’t worried or stressed out the night before we met Ezra. I slept well and got up and proceeded as usual.

I’ve heard stories about families waiting all day long until the afternoon to be united with their child, but thankfully for us, our appointment at the civil affairs building was at 9AM. Our van took us there early so we wouldn’t make Ezra and the accompanying orphanage staff wait longer than was necessary. We brought a small supply of snacks and toys, and traveled on the elevator to the hot upper floor where Ezra would be brought.

We waited in a conference room with a long table, a few boxes stacked in one corner, a random coat rack in another, and windows at the far end overlooking the busy street below.

And suddenly a couple people arrived saying “Wen Xiang, Wen Xiang,” and leading a small boy with a shaved head into the room. I would have known him anywhere, although he was a bit taller than I had expected. For just a moment I felt frozen to my chair, unsure if my being in Ezra’s space so soon would cause him alarm. Jerry filmed the moment on his cell phone, and I went to our boy as the orphanage director pulled out a small album we had had mailed and pointed in it to me. To mama. And Ezra and I looked at each other and smiled. And he grabbed my hand and examined my Fitbit. We pulled a small stuffed duck out of our backpack and gave it to Ezra. He smiled. It was all surreal. I had expected tears or screaming or something, but it didn’t happen just then. He was so brave. He just accepted that we were of course “Mama and Baba.”

We had to stay in that room for what seemed like ages as we went over paperwork, asked questions, and took a few photos. We were told that we couldn’t have any contact info for Ezra’s foster grandparents, that he was potty trained, and that he needed to be told to sleep at night or he would play endlessly. The room quickly became boring for Ezra and so he took the plastic barrel of monkeys we brought him and attempted to throw it into the top box stacked in the corner of the room. He missed and hit Jerry just below his eyebrow, causing it to bleed. Ezra also hung like a little monkey from the coat rack and attempted to snatch at whatever he could reach on the table. He was stronger than I expected too. Once his little hands clung on to something, they had to be basically pried off again to remove them. And he loved to throw everything.

When Ezra needed to go to the restroom, our guide, Michael, said that I shouldn’t take him into the ladies room, so Jerry got a quick introduction to the squatty potty. It took Jerry and Michael together helping Ezra to get the restroom trip accomplished. We fed him some goldfish crackers to distract him, which helped for a few minutes. However, Ezra didn’t like that we were attempting to contain him in the conference room, so he quickly opened the door and went running down the hall where he burst into the office of a man at a desk. I followed quickly behind and escorted him out, noticing another solemn little boy meeting a white woman at a room a few doors down. The other boy looked so calm. He didn’t run away down the hall.

After what seemed like a very long, stressful, hot, and airless time, it was time to leave. We took the elevator down to the ground floor. The orphanage director slipped away without saying goodbye to Ezra. When he realized she had disappeared he began to cry and struggle. It was awful. Of course Ezra didn’t want to go with us, he didn’t even know us. He couldn’t talk to us, and we couldn’t talk to him. But he bravely road on baba’s lap on the way back to the hotel anyway. We believe that his foster families must have instilled a desire for relationships in him, because he never tried to reject either of us or shut us out. The photos in this post are just unedited iPhone pictures that I snapped along the way in China–but it seems appropriate because our family day experience was so raw altogether.

Ezra was fascinated by the big western bathtub in our hotel room, and very quickly after we arrived back he stripped down and hopped in! The innocence and trust of children amaze me as I cannot imagine doing something like that in front of a complete stranger.

We had lunch at the noodle restaurant in our hotel. Michael accompanied us. Ezra was hungry and emotionally exhausted and did not appreciate being made to hold still. He tried to run away from the table and threw various objects on the floor in protest. Jerry and I were horrified and did our best to distract and corral him, but with little success. Eventually we went back to our room with neither of us having eaten much, although we did get some food into Ezra.

Michael asked if we wanted him to stay with us longer to help with the transition. I wanted very much to say yes, because I wasn’t sure what on earth we would do for hours that afternoon with this traumatized little human, but as we were his parents, it seemed like a cop out to ask our guide to stay and help us…so we didn’t. To be completely transparent though, both Jerry and I felt like we might be sick. Eventually poor Ezra did have a melt down when he realized he couldn’t leave our hotel room. After that he was so exhausted he fell asleep. I have a theory about his behavior in China now that he needed to keep moving and doing things so he wouldn’t have to be still and process what was happening. Throughout our stay in China he couldn’t handle waiting of any kind or being still except in the car or while sleeping. What was especially hard was that his grief didn’t show up like I expected. Instead of crying, withdrawing, and hiding, Ezra threw everything he could get his hands on, hit and fought and ran away. I didn’t expect him to love us when he didn’t know us, but the violence shook us and took us by surprise. I had moments when I thought we had adopted a psychopath.

I had prayed endlessly that I might have the feelings for Ezra that I would have had if I had given birth to him–those legendary feelings that new moms are said to have for their infants when they just see them for the first time. I was so sure God would grant me that that I never really considered the alternative overly much.

Well God didn’t give me those feelings. Instead I felt like an ill-equipped baby sitter who hadn’t fully considered how important “talking it out” was to her. I realized too just how spoiled I was when I worried that we would never able to go to a restaurant again (Ezra couldn’t handle the waiting while we were in China), I would never be able to shop again (we visited a pearl market in Guangzhou and Jerry had to ride the escalator with him 28 times to keep him from tearing the jewelry shop apart), and we would never be able to watch a movie as a family (Ezra couldn’t focus as all or be quiet to save his life. I worried about being able to go to church, and whether he would burn our house down and kill our pets, and all kinds of crazy things. My feelings were on such a roller coaster that I had a very hard time bonding with Ezra at the beginning. Jerry was more rational and just did the right thing, but my crazy fears felt almost immobilizing.

Thank God I knew enough to keep walking forward, to keep taking the next step we needed to take. We got a VPN And were able to talk to some good friends at home and that was so helpful. China is 12 time zones away from the US though, so we could only connect first thing in the morning or last thing before bed. But it was enough. It made me feel sane to know that many new moms have crazy feelings.

While all three of us had a very difficult time in China, we did see glimmers of Ezra’s true personality that gave us hope. He likes to be active and play outside, has a good sense of fun, and said his first English word on our first day together. It was “duck” in case you wondered. Because of the stuffed toy. In Guangzhou we got to be around more adoptive families, and that gave us a sense of camaraderie and community even though all of us were busy with our new children. Ezra really enjoyed the Safari Park visit we made in Guangzhou as well. He rode in the stroller and enjoyed the animals like all the other kids we saw.  Somehow we made it home in spite of the endless flight and the chasing baggage and the emotions and customs and everything. And Ezra is our son. And now we know that it’s true what other adoptive families say. They say “just survive China” and “you can’t know your child in country.” It’s all true. I would also add that you shouldn’t trust your own judgements or emotions when you’re just home and jet lagged either! Oy. That was hellish for me.

We know now that Ezra is not a psychopath or a juvenile delinquent, and that grief looks different on different people. Ezra is smart and funny and charming and amazingly able to communicate despite his beginners English. He is strong willed and active and busy. He loves multiples of anything and playing peekaboo and being rocked to sleep. He does so well with going on outings and he acts quite well-mannered at restaurants. In short he is a beautiful little boy and we’re so blessed.

It has been three months now since our family day. Ezra is growing so much and opening up more and more. He understands so much English and adds new words to his vocabulary almost daily. We play and laugh and sing and dance and enjoy each other. He also brings out the impatient and controlling side of me that I didn’t want to recognize. Being his mama is such a HUGE learning experience and such a joy as well. I need God more than ever as I seek to see situations from the perspective of this little boy who has lost so much and gone through so much. In spite of his losses, he still shows such great joy and desire to please his mama. Ezra is so much more than I could have asked for in a son, and I am glad to say that my loving feelings for him and  our attachment are growing daily.

Decor

Our boy’s bedroom

RobynLeave a comment

I had more fun working on this little bedroom for my son! Adoption doesn’t leave you with much that’s tangible to hang onto about your child, but this little room, slowly put together over the last year, has been a reminder that one day there would be a child living here with us. This used to be a walk-through bedroom (you had to walk through it and our bedroom as well to reach our only full bathroom), but with some clever remodeling and the sacrifice of a closet, we now have two separate spaces. I’m not a huge fan of rigid color schemes or strict themes, but if this bedroom has a loose theme, it’s adventure. 

This dresser was purchased for $1 at Goodwill! Pretty psyched about that. The top looked like it had been used to take out pent up aggression (holes and dents and knife marks!!), but it’s solid and so we decided to take it hime and make it over. Jerry replaced the top and it got a nice new paint job along with pulls. The jacket hanging on the hook below is an LL Bean hand-me down from a friend. It makes me happy just to see the lobsters waiting for their new owner.

I got the little planes off Amazon (here and here) to make the fan and light chains easier to differentiate. Also because they’re so cute! The skinny little bookcase was left behind by our home’s previous owner. I love books and I know this will be way too small soon, but for now we’re making do!  We got the bunk beds at a Maine discount store called Marden’s for a very good price. The quilt hanging over the rail was lovingly made as a gift for our boy by my wonderful friend, Ashley. It’s mind boggling to me just how much love this little boy has waiting for him here! The bunting is from Etsy and is made of fabric instead of paper so it will last longer. Compass rose is a wall decal also from Amazon. The little red chair below was another thrift store find that I painted. Paint can seriously do wonders to give furniture a face lift.

Luna the cat thinks that the top bunk is for her. We think all the animals are in for a rude awakening! Below is a Neverland map done by a lovely friend of mine, I very much recommend her!

I’m glad to show you this room now before my boy is here–I’m pretty confident it will never look this perfect again! He will come home and shake us  up and leave us wondering what we ever did before he got here. I cannot wait. Counting the days now!

Maine

A neat little town they call Belfast

RobynLeave a comment

Maine has so. Much. Coastline. If you take the coastal route 1 toward Bar Harbor–which many savvy folks “from away” do–you’ll pass right through Belfast. Though this isn’t the place referenced in the Irish folk song, Jerry and I can’t help but humming whenever we pass by…

Historically Maine has made much of its living through seafaring and fishing, and the riverwalk along Belfast’s harbor is a good reminder of days gone by. It also ends (or starts?) in a footbridge across the harbor. Our papillon, Milo, accompanied us on our stroll (and broke some leash laws, oops). Belfast was settled in 1770, so it’s fairly old by American standards– though some large fires in the 1800’s destroyed many historical buildings. Jerry and Milo. My heart. Fiddleheads are the young, still unfurled shoots of the ostrich fern. They’re usually steamed and served with butter, salt and pepper. They’re sort of a local delicacy, so if you like your veggies, I’d recommend them. Just one word of caution if you see them in a supermarket up her and think you’ll DIY it. You don’t eat these things tender-crisp like some veggies. You want them well done. Otherwise you could end up with a seriously upset stomach. I might know from experience. Enough said.

And speaking of food, if you’re a pizza lover, you’ll want to check out Meanwhile in Belfast. Best pizza I’ve had since I visited Italy! You can walk it off on the river front and scout the shops in town. Wear comfy shoes!

Maine

Greetings from Bangor

RobynLeave a comment

I am happy to tell you that the snow has melted away since these photos were taken. Spring is long in coming this year, but the sun feels warm again and that means it’s not far away! We moved to the Bangor area from Auburn, Maine, when I was a senior in high school. It seemed large and exciting then, and I still enjoy going to the little shops, parks, and restaurants around town. If you’re looking for an evening bite, you can get a great hamburger at Nocturnem and then walk across Main Street to Specialty Sweets for a few hand made chocolates. They’re both worth it. My husband and I found a list of Best Burgers in Downeast Magazine and we’ve been joking that we’ll go across the state just eating hamburgers! You can get your first one at Nocturnem if you’d like to aspire to this worthy goal! Ha!Stephen King is our local celebrity, and Bangor offers special “tours” related to him. Everyone around the area knows where his house is on West Broadway, but whenever I go by there, it just seems like a normal neighborhood without any super fans hoping for a selfie…King is known to be a private person and I have a theory that that’s part of why he lives here. Mainers are pretty stand-offish and I think we do pretty well at giving him his space to breathe. Here’s fun fact about the King movie “It.” The story in that film is set in a fictional place in Maine called “Derry.” Derry is based on Bangor. Bangor was a logging town back in the day, and its iconic statue of Paul Bunyan reminds everyone of the city’s heritage. Logs used to be floated down the Penobscot River and milled for lumber that was shipped all over the country. Summer is admittedly a better time to visit, but even “mud season” it’s pretty easy to spend a pleasant afternoon here. I hope that since spring is here, I’ll soon be featuring some more of Maine’s lovely towns. Can’t wait!

Adoption

To Wen Xiang

RobynLeave a comment

My Dear Wen Xiang,

At this time you’re probably fast asleep in China, never dreaming that your mommy and daddy are across the world and thinking of you. But they are. And one day soon both China and the US will agree that we’ve done enough and we can finally go get our boy. We cannot wait to meet you! We try to imagine it, but we can’t really know how it will be yet. It will probably feel terrifying to you when you come away with us for the first time. I’m sorry to cause you more pain, but I hope that eventually you will understand. We would ask you for your consent if you weren’t just 3 years old. As it is, the grown ups have to make a choice about your future on your behalf.

We are so grateful to be given the honor of parenting you. Just the thought of you makes us so happy. When our letter of acceptance came from China earlier this week, the enormity of what China was giving us began to sink in. China is giving us the most precious and valuable gift that exists!

They’re giving us you!

We’re beginning to understand that all the endless processes we have to go through to get you home pale in comparison to the great treasure that exists in each human being. That exists in you.

You are so very loved and wanted. We know you are just a little boy and don’t expect you to live up to some kind of child fantasy we have. Our greatest hope is to learn to parent you as you deserve. It will be challenging  for all of us as we learn to be a family, but we know you are worth it. You have been through far too much pain for such a small boy, but you are strong and you have a place in this world. We can’t wait for you to meet all the people here just waiting to love you.

Mommy prays for you every day. Daddy thinks of fun toys and games to share with you. We dream you are here and in the little room we’re getting ready for you. We imagine your small feet clattering through the house and your antics terrifying the cats and your fingerprints all over the clean windows. We wonder what you will like to eat and if you’ll be musical or athletic or artistic. I want you to know that whatever you are, we’re committed to being your parents and to loving you forever.

China sent us the letter of acceptance this week and we signed immediately without hesitation. Some events that we never would have wished for you have led you to this point, but we know that God can work all things together for good. We believe He will do that for you, Wen Xiang.

There is so much more to say, but we’re praying for years together to do the telling.

We’ll see you soon.

Love always, Mommy and Daddy

Adoption

Waiting, expecting, and keeping the faith

RobynLeave a comment

We’ve been waiting for China to issue us our letter of acceptance (LOA) since our paperwork was logged in on January 30. LOA waits can be very long, but lately many people have had their letters issued in just around a month’s time, so when we sent our paperwork off, we had high hopes of a quick turnaround…but so far we seem to be stuck in review with no end in sight. We had been holding on to hope that we would travel to get our boy in May (first we hoped for March or April, then settled on May…) but now it seems we might have to push travel to China off till June.

Realistically this is going super fast for an international adoption (we only officially started in June of 2017), but since we first saw this face in July of 2017, the waiting seems unbearably long to us. We’re reminded often that you have to hold your timeline plans with an open hand, because often they’ll slip from your grasp and there isn’t a thing you can do about it.

Maine has been gradually gaining daylight hours since December, and I’ve been so thankful to be able to continue walking outside. It’s so therapeutic to be in nature and have time to pray. Sometimes my desk job feels suffocating. It’s weird how your body can need to tire itself so your brain can have a little peace…

I found this little round bit of jade at a thrift store some months back, and I’m pretty confident it’s Chinese (my sister in law says it looks very Asian)! I put it on often just to have something tangible I can hold while our boy is thousands of miles away. Even though it has no real connection to him, it feels like a bit of his culture I can cling to to remind me of him. We’re feeling weary of the seemingly endless process right now, but one day we will wake up, and it will be the day we’ve been waiting for for so long. One day we’ll wake up and it will be the day we meet our son for real, for the first time.For now I’ve made up a little album of photos to send him in China (also a little stuffed animal to accompany it). It has hand written explanations from me and Chinese translations from my kind sister in law (thank you Xin!). I hope this will help our little one be able to grasp the idea that mommy and daddy are coming, and that they absolutely cannot wait to be his parents.

OOTD · Winter

Prettyish kind of little wilderness

RobynLeave a comment

 It has been the most jam packed last few weeks, with a Both Hands Fundraiser completed (video here!) and  trying to get regular life back in order once the dust settled from that. We are waiting on China to send us our letter of acceptance for our adoption, but right now all it seems like there’s a long line of people waiting for that letter and not much word from China since before Chinese New Year. It’s a tough wait, especially because we’re so close now!

My parents have a large, swampy backyard at their house near Bangor. As you can see, in Maine it’s still winter. This is typical for us and provides Mainers much material to complain about, believe me! So while I would like to be wearing some springy, lighter weight clothes, I’m still layering on coats and jackets and wearing cords! Waiting isn’t my favorite, but I’m doing my best to make the most of it.

Hope you got the Pride and Prejudice reference in the blog title. Classic line from a classic work. I prefer the 5 hour long Colin Firth /Jennifer Ehle version of the movie personally!

Thrifted J. Crew jacket and Eddie Bauer cords (similar here), old Express lace top (similar here), antique family locket (Etsy has some pretty options!), and much traveled practical shoes!