Probably everyone living has expectations for how things will play out in life. I know I had all kinds of them, especially before I graduated from high school. Honestly I think I read too many books and wanted to live in a story rather than a real life. At one point I thought I would globe trot frequently and probably fall in love abroad and have a closet full of designer clothes and some books published and probably do a lot of other fabulous things.
What actually happened was that I met Jerry right off the bat when I started my second year of college at a new school. We became friends quickly, began dating the next semester, and got married when he was 21 and I was 22. We were super broke but I still cranked out my first novel pretty quickly because my ambitions didn’t wane with matrimony. Once it was finished it was rejected by several book agents until I decided it needed more editing and began work on a new writing project…and then life happened and my writing slowed.
We also had the more everyday dreams of a home and a family. Tons of friends had babies and families while I wondered when motherhood would come to me. Cue lots of frustration that even my so-called “normal” dreams didn’t play out like I thought they would. And then we adopted this wonderful boy and became parents!
Ezra was literally a dream come true for me. I expected a sense of euphoria and waves of thankfulness (epecially after all the infertility and waiting!), instead I felt terror, doubt, and a huge weight of responsibility.
And I have learned more about my flaws in the last 5 months that I have been with Ezra than I think I did in all my 32 years before that. Wasn’t expecting such a wake up call there. Yikes.
Being a mom is hard. And I have a super supportive and involved husband, I can’t imagine how single moms do it at all. Ezra is strong-willed, intelligent, and adventurous. All of those things are likely to make him a good man one day, but right now they translate into behaviors that cause my blood pressure to rise…sometimes I wonder how someone can become an angry mom in only five months–especially when one has such an overall great kid. The mom guilt is also a real thing, and it can be suffocating.
It’s weirdly easier to open myself up on here, knowing anyone could read this, than it is to tell people in person that I sometimes feel so frustrated with myself and my parenting ability and the monotony of life. I know anyone could read this and that’s fine with me. But at least I can order my thoughts here instead of giving a fragment here and there that misses the soul of what I hope to say.
On Sunday I got to sit in church and listen while Jerry took Ezra to junior church. Another thing I have struggled with since becoming a mom is not being able to catch my own thoughts. I’m a little bit of an introvert and there is also a certain lack of alone time in parenting I’ve discovered…so anyway I got some quiet contemplation and pastor brought up that everything we go through here on earth is to prepare us for eternity. I had a bit of a revelation from God in realizing that all the seemingly pointless little things that rub me the wrong way (don’t hit the cat, don’t play with the light switches, don’t throw that, don’t play with the toilet, etc) could actually be God further working. Working to rid me of the excess anger and impatience…
And that is a huge relief. Because a lot of day to day life is mundane. My life isn’t glamorous or adventurous like I thought it would be. I don’t get to travel much during this time, I still don’t have any books published, and there’s nary a designer article of clothing in sight. And I also tend toward being an angry mom. But if all this little stuff can be kept in perspective as being used to work out my selfishness and unkindness, then it is worth it. Ezra deserves a good mom, and by God’s grace I hope he will have one.
“So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.” 1 Corinthians 31:10
