It has taken me the entire summer to get to writing this post, mostly because I have been trying to get my new mom feet under me!But without further ado I would like to introduce you to our son, Ezra Wenxiang! This post will be written from my perspective and I will do my best to keep Ezra’s feelings in mind in what I share.
Our flight to China and first few days flowed along as planned. We got to tour Tiananmen Square, the Forbidden City, a jade market, and a small section of the Great Wall all in one day. They were all incredible, but of course the missing member of our family loomed large in our minds throughout our first two days in China. We traveled to Ezra’s province on Sunday and didn’t meet him till Monday, as is customary for China adoption. Our guide in Ezra’s province picked us up on Sunday evening and as we drove he advised me “Robyn, don’t nervous. We young, anything is possible.” He said that at 3 years old, Ezra was “big baby” and so would be easier to handle than an older child. Michael also cautioned us to make sure that we kept our new son warm enough–proper temperature in children is thought extremely important to good health. Interestingly enough, I wasn’t worried or stressed out the night before we met Ezra. I slept well and got up and proceeded as usual.
I’ve heard stories about families waiting all day long until the afternoon to be united with their child, but thankfully for us, our appointment at the civil affairs building was at 9AM. Our van took us there early so we wouldn’t make Ezra and the accompanying orphanage staff wait longer than was necessary. We brought a small supply of snacks and toys, and traveled on the elevator to the hot upper floor where Ezra would be brought.
We waited in a conference room with a long table, a few boxes stacked in one corner, a random coat rack in another, and windows at the far end overlooking the busy street below.
And suddenly a couple people arrived saying “Wen Xiang, Wen Xiang,” and leading a small boy with a shaved head into the room. I would have known him anywhere, although he was a bit taller than I had expected. For just a moment I felt frozen to my chair, unsure if my being in Ezra’s space so soon would cause him alarm. Jerry filmed the moment on his cell phone, and I went to our boy as the orphanage director pulled out a small album we had had mailed and pointed in it to me. To mama. And Ezra and I looked at each other and smiled. And he grabbed my hand and examined my Fitbit. We pulled a small stuffed duck out of our backpack and gave it to Ezra. He smiled. It was all surreal. I had expected tears or screaming or something, but it didn’t happen just then. He was so brave. He just accepted that we were of course “Mama and Baba.”
We had to stay in that room for what seemed like ages as we went over paperwork, asked questions, and took a few photos. We were told that we couldn’t have any contact info for Ezra’s foster grandparents, that he was potty trained, and that he needed to be told to sleep at night or he would play endlessly. The room quickly became boring for Ezra and so he took the plastic barrel of monkeys we brought him and attempted to throw it into the top box stacked in the corner of the room. He missed and hit Jerry just below his eyebrow, causing it to bleed. Ezra also hung like a little monkey from the coat rack and attempted to snatch at whatever he could reach on the table. He was stronger than I expected too. Once his little hands clung on to something, they had to be basically pried off again to remove them. And he loved to throw everything.
When Ezra needed to go to the restroom, our guide, Michael, said that I shouldn’t take him into the ladies room, so Jerry got a quick introduction to the squatty potty. It took Jerry and Michael together helping Ezra to get the restroom trip accomplished. We fed him some goldfish crackers to distract him, which helped for a few minutes. However, Ezra didn’t like that we were attempting to contain him in the conference room, so he quickly opened the door and went running down the hall where he burst into the office of a man at a desk. I followed quickly behind and escorted him out, noticing another solemn little boy meeting a white woman at a room a few doors down. The other boy looked so calm. He didn’t run away down the hall.
After what seemed like a very long, stressful, hot, and airless time, it was time to leave. We took the elevator down to the ground floor. The orphanage director slipped away without saying goodbye to Ezra. When he realized she had disappeared he began to cry and struggle. It was awful. Of course Ezra didn’t want to go with us, he didn’t even know us. He couldn’t talk to us, and we couldn’t talk to him. But he bravely road on baba’s lap on the way back to the hotel anyway. We believe that his foster families must have instilled a desire for relationships in him, because he never tried to reject either of us or shut us out. The photos in this post are just unedited iPhone pictures that I snapped along the way in China–but it seems appropriate because our family day experience was so raw altogether.
Ezra was fascinated by the big western bathtub in our hotel room, and very quickly after we arrived back he stripped down and hopped in! The innocence and trust of children amaze me as I cannot imagine doing something like that in front of a complete stranger.
We had lunch at the noodle restaurant in our hotel. Michael accompanied us. Ezra was hungry and emotionally exhausted and did not appreciate being made to hold still. He tried to run away from the table and threw various objects on the floor in protest. Jerry and I were horrified and did our best to distract and corral him, but with little success. Eventually we went back to our room with neither of us having eaten much, although we did get some food into Ezra.
Michael asked if we wanted him to stay with us longer to help with the transition. I wanted very much to say yes, because I wasn’t sure what on earth we would do for hours that afternoon with this traumatized little human, but as we were his parents, it seemed like a cop out to ask our guide to stay and help us…so we didn’t. To be completely transparent though, both Jerry and I felt like we might be sick. Eventually poor Ezra did have a melt down when he realized he couldn’t leave our hotel room. After that he was so exhausted he fell asleep. I have a theory about his behavior in China now that he needed to keep moving and doing things so he wouldn’t have to be still and process what was happening. Throughout our stay in China he couldn’t handle waiting of any kind or being still except in the car or while sleeping. What was especially hard was that his grief didn’t show up like I expected. Instead of crying, withdrawing, and hiding, Ezra threw everything he could get his hands on, hit and fought and ran away. I didn’t expect him to love us when he didn’t know us, but the violence shook us and took us by surprise. I had moments when I thought we had adopted a psychopath.
I had prayed endlessly that I might have the feelings for Ezra that I would have had if I had given birth to him–those legendary feelings that new moms are said to have for their infants when they just see them for the first time. I was so sure God would grant me that that I never really considered the alternative overly much.
Well God didn’t give me those feelings. Instead I felt like an ill-equipped baby sitter who hadn’t fully considered how important “talking it out” was to her. I realized too just how spoiled I was when I worried that we would never able to go to a restaurant again (Ezra couldn’t handle the waiting while we were in China), I would never be able to shop again (we visited a pearl market in Guangzhou and Jerry had to ride the escalator with him 28 times to keep him from tearing the jewelry shop apart), and we would never be able to watch a movie as a family (Ezra couldn’t focus as all or be quiet to save his life. I worried about being able to go to church, and whether he would burn our house down and kill our pets, and all kinds of crazy things. My feelings were on such a roller coaster that I had a very hard time bonding with Ezra at the beginning. Jerry was more rational and just did the right thing, but my crazy fears felt almost immobilizing.
Thank God I knew enough to keep walking forward, to keep taking the next step we needed to take. We got a VPN And were able to talk to some good friends at home and that was so helpful. China is 12 time zones away from the US though, so we could only connect first thing in the morning or last thing before bed. But it was enough. It made me feel sane to know that many new moms have crazy feelings.
While all three of us had a very difficult time in China, we did see glimmers of Ezra’s true personality that gave us hope. He likes to be active and play outside, has a good sense of fun, and said his first English word on our first day together. It was “duck” in case you wondered. Because of the stuffed toy. In Guangzhou we got to be around more adoptive families, and that gave us a sense of camaraderie and community even though all of us were busy with our new children. Ezra really enjoyed the Safari Park visit we made in Guangzhou as well. He rode in the stroller and enjoyed the animals like all the other kids we saw.
Somehow we made it home in spite of the endless flight and the chasing baggage and the emotions and customs and everything. And Ezra is our son. And now we know that it’s true what other adoptive families say. They say “just survive China” and “you can’t know your child in country.” It’s all true. I would also add that you shouldn’t trust your own judgements or emotions when you’re just home and jet lagged either! Oy. That was hellish for me.
We know now that Ezra is not a psychopath or a juvenile delinquent, and that grief looks different on different people. Ezra is smart and funny and charming and amazingly able to communicate despite his beginners English. He is strong willed and active and busy. He loves multiples of anything and playing peekaboo and being rocked to sleep. He does so well with going on outings and he acts quite well-mannered at restaurants. In short he is a beautiful little boy and we’re so blessed.
It has been three months now since our family day. Ezra is growing so much and opening up more and more. He understands so much English and adds new words to his vocabulary almost daily. We play and laugh and sing and dance and enjoy each other. He also brings out the impatient and controlling side of me that I didn’t want to recognize. Being his mama is such a HUGE learning experience and such a joy as well. I need God more than ever as I seek to see situations from the perspective of this little boy who has lost so much and gone through so much. In spite of his losses, he still shows such great joy and desire to please his mama. Ezra is so much more than I could have asked for in a son, and I am glad to say that my loving feelings for him and our attachment are growing daily.
